TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he must quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a function getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after getting the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They can Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit Trump Tower Damascus from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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